The whole world is engaged right now with COVID-19, also known as “Novel Coronavirus.” Here in America, lots of us are under shelter-in-place or stay-at-home orders, meaning that we’ve collectively been asked to live our lives much differently, well outside of our normal routines. Our kids are engaged in e-learning at home, and many of us are working from home rather than going into our offices. And lots of people who can’t work from home are home, wondering where their income is going to come from for the next who-knows-how-long. The air is thick with uncertainty, anxiety, and unknowns. The dukkha is palpable and plentiful.
And in the midst of this, I keep coming back to Alex Borstein’s speech at the 2019 Emmy awards where she invited us, especially women, to step out of line:
Ibid, I don’t know. Uh, wow. I know a lot of people were upset last year because I wasn’t wearing a bra, so I want to apologize because tonight I’m not wearing any underwear… So you’re going to want to just throw that chair out or clean it pretty good… It looks pretty on TV, but it’s like a hot Bikram yoga class in here. Lot of nervous women. I want to dedicate this to the strength of a woman. To Amy Sherman Palladino. To every woman on the Maisel cast and crew. To my mother, where are you, [INAUDIBLE]? To my grandmother, [INAUDIBLE]. They are immigrants. They are Holocaust survivors. My grandmother turned to a guard. She was in line to be shot into a pit, and she said, “What happens if I step out of line?”. And he said, “I don’t have the heart to shoot you, but somebody will.” And she stepped out of line. And for that I am here, and for that, my children are here, so step out of line, ladies. Step out of line.
I’ve been thinking about that speech since Alex first gave it in September 2019. It struck me as a succinct invitation to consider how I spend my time and navigate in the world. And as I am in the midst of working on a masters degree in mindfulness studies, it was an invitation to step back and notice how I have gone about my days, months, and years on autopilot. What if I took Alex up on her invitation in a radical way? What if I paused and stepped out of line with regard to all aspects of my life?
I have been engaged in this practice for several months now, discussing it with friends and encouraging them to join me, if it felt like something that would be nourishing for them. I even had a bracelet made so that I can look down and have the reminder of this intentional practice—to step out of line.
This morning I was on a Zoom call with a circle from the Holding Space learning community that I am in, facilitated by Heather Plett and her fantastic teaching team. It was a smaller circle than usual because we are in between modules, so this was a chance for us to gather together for ninety minutes without a specific agenda. What struck me first is that I was sitting in a group that included Americans and Canadians, and we were all articulating similar feelings. This virus is affecting us on a human level, and it pays no mind to national borders. I also was struck by how much collective anxiety was expressed around knowing what to do in this space that feels a lot less structured than “normal.” Questions arose*, such as:
- How do I know I’m doing it right?
- Where should I turn for guidance navigating this time?
- Where do I put my trust—in God, in others, in myself?
- My normal anxieties are all on overdrive, and now I’ve got an additional stressor of fear of missing out because there are so many offerings to support me during this time that I’m overwhelmed.
- I’m suddenly working from home, schooling my child(ren), and I’m supposed to have all this time to clean closets or complete projects? I don’t feel like I have any time. What are people going to think when I haven’t “done” anything when we get to the other side of this?
We were ALL feeling these feelings in some form or another. And as I’ve reflected for the rest of the day on that beautiful group of people sharing dialogue around these feelings, I’ve realized that NOW is the perfect opportunity for all of us to consider the invitation to STEP OUT OF LINE. Could some of these feelings be driven by our conditioning that taught us we need to rely on an expert to guide our decisions on how we spend our time? Could some of it be connected to our Western upbringing of productivity and the cult of busyness? Maybe we’re scared that we’ll feel shame when we don’t live up to some unknown expectation when this is all over? The answer is probably “yes.”
I’m going to spend this time in our collective liminal space considering how I can gently practice with all of these feelings by stepping out of line to pause and reflect about what is coming up for me in these moments. I’m going to sit with these feelings and turn inward to reflect. And then I’m going to emerge, confident that I remained still and silent long enough to hear the whisper of the Holy Spirit, who I know speaks to me through my heart and mind. If you’d like to join me, I’ll be here to companion you on your journey.
*Circle participants have an agreement that what is said in circle remains between participants. I have paraphrased the feelings and questions that arose and have shared them in this reflection in an effort to illustrate how much more similar than dissimilar we all are. I have tried to do that in a way that is respectful of the agreement we have as a circle.
March 26, 2020